All my fault ...

I'm not sure how I am feeling right now. I know that I feel like crap. 

Nov. 7th -

I was hanging out with my best guy friend. We have been friends for 6 yrs. It was me and all his boys. The beginning was okay. I was a little upset when my friend admitted that he didn't want to take me home at night because he'd be too tired. Which bothered me because what guy lets their female friend drive home alone at 4am?!!

Anyway it all started when we got back to my friends house. I was alone with one of his friends who I totally did not want to be around. He was trying so hard to get with me. Feeling me up and doing all this nonsense. I told him to stop it .. and he kept on! We went upstairs and thats when everyone else joined us. His friend and I were joking around and I started to whip him with a belt. For some odd reason that was considered to be disrespectful. The guy is just my friend he's not my bf .. so if I did anything with his friend (which I would never do) it's no ones business but mine and the person. I know better than to mess with my good friends boys. 

So later I found out that he TOLD his friend to feel me up and do all that to see if I'd freaking fall for it! How dare you subject me to that you know?! That truly hurt. Then my friend cursed me out in his car and didn't care that I was crying. I was so scared and just wanted to go home .... Now he is saying that he overreacted just A LITTLE BIT .. and expects me TO APOLOGIZE... to which I said Hell No! because I did nothing wrong at all! 

So last night ... I was talking to 30 yr old. I finally confessed to something that I wasn't completely honest about when we first started talking. I didn't think he'd even care. Apparently he was upset. Then I told him I only told him because I like talking to him and I had a small thing for him ... so I wanted to be honest finally. Then he said ... "maybe it's good that you don't come over tonight because I don't want a relationship" UMM WHEN DID I MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT ME WANTING HIM? Just because you care about someone and you like them .. that has nothing to do with you wanting a relationship with them. 

I am just toooo through with everyone and everything. I am going to keep to myself. I don't feel like dealing with life anymore you know. I want to just be alone ... like I am anyway ... forever.