Sigh ...

Pic Credit - My "bestie" Lady Z .... 

--  I am trying to use "cool" terms to describe my friend. 

Anyway ... Last night was a disaster of course. 

My friend had to watch her sister until he dad came home ... 

Yeah ...

Then she said .. "Lets go bowling" I said "Okay"

5 minutes later ... "I can't go"

This is the story of my freaking life. 

No one ever has time for me.

All my plans fall flat ... does that make sense?

I have been soooooo depressed lately. 

I slept all day today. 

I was planning on not eating but of course my fatness gave in :(.

I just don't have it in me anymore.

No one cares anyway ... no one would be there when I am take my jump ((the pic)).

Peace!

Blind "date"

So my friend has convinced me to go out tonight ..

"Drinks on me" ... she said .... and I quickly agreed.

She is going to introduce me to some guy. 

We will see how he is.

If he is a mess I am going to be pissed ... but gladly enjoy my free drinks!

-30 yr old-

He got me so pissed the other night!

He made me feel like I was some ... hoe or something.

He wanted to meet me somewhere so we could go for a drive ...

How come he couldn't just pick me up?

Are guys that serious that to make girl a female doesn't get the wrong idea .. they wont even pick them up? 

That's how I took it. 

That he doesn't want it to seem like .. you know ... he's picking me up and stuff to go out. 

Since I'd just be his "side" chick. 

Don't you have to have other girls ... in order for you to have a "side" chick?

I just noticed that i had chipped old pink nail polish on my nails lol ... so I quickly had to get rid of that before I see this guy.

He's 29.

Woohoo!

Just what I need ... more older guys.

He better not be whack!

Although this will give me something interesting to talk about on the blog. 

Even though no one reads this :).

"I told you so .... "

All my fault ...

I'm not sure how I am feeling right now. I know that I feel like crap. 

Nov. 7th -

I was hanging out with my best guy friend. We have been friends for 6 yrs. It was me and all his boys. The beginning was okay. I was a little upset when my friend admitted that he didn't want to take me home at night because he'd be too tired. Which bothered me because what guy lets their female friend drive home alone at 4am?!!

Anyway it all started when we got back to my friends house. I was alone with one of his friends who I totally did not want to be around. He was trying so hard to get with me. Feeling me up and doing all this nonsense. I told him to stop it .. and he kept on! We went upstairs and thats when everyone else joined us. His friend and I were joking around and I started to whip him with a belt. For some odd reason that was considered to be disrespectful. The guy is just my friend he's not my bf .. so if I did anything with his friend (which I would never do) it's no ones business but mine and the person. I know better than to mess with my good friends boys. 

So later I found out that he TOLD his friend to feel me up and do all that to see if I'd freaking fall for it! How dare you subject me to that you know?! That truly hurt. Then my friend cursed me out in his car and didn't care that I was crying. I was so scared and just wanted to go home .... Now he is saying that he overreacted just A LITTLE BIT .. and expects me TO APOLOGIZE... to which I said Hell No! because I did nothing wrong at all! 

So last night ... I was talking to 30 yr old. I finally confessed to something that I wasn't completely honest about when we first started talking. I didn't think he'd even care. Apparently he was upset. Then I told him I only told him because I like talking to him and I had a small thing for him ... so I wanted to be honest finally. Then he said ... "maybe it's good that you don't come over tonight because I don't want a relationship" UMM WHEN DID I MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT ME WANTING HIM? Just because you care about someone and you like them .. that has nothing to do with you wanting a relationship with them. 

I am just toooo through with everyone and everything. I am going to keep to myself. I don't feel like dealing with life anymore you know. I want to just be alone ... like I am anyway ... forever.

Drunken Mess

So las night was a disaster! .... I don't even think I have the energy to type everything out right now ... 

I shall return later

Kisses

So I asked my best friend to find me a girlfriend ... to which she replied .. "that's hard".

It is really hot in my room. 

I am talking to one of my good guy friends about my "jumpoff" issue.

We are trying to figure out how I am a jumpoff aka side chick when the guy I talk to has no gf, wife, or fiancee.

I need to put my fan on its hot in here .. my overhead fan to be exact.

I am really enjoying this new Kanye. 

I saw his newest animated video.

I am heartless!

So .... I have so much work I need to do and I have had 2 days to do this stuff and haven't done a thing. 

I hate when I have days off because nothing gets done at all.

I got my hair done this morning though!

I am sooo ready to cut all this hair off. 

I am so bored with long hair.

I need a change in my life. 

I noticed I start off every sentence with "I". 

Let's see if I can stop doing that. 

Who am I even talking to right now?

Is anyone out there?

Does anyone even care?

So in Dec. I am going to get the rest of my tattoos.

Two on both hips .... and then one near my breast!

The typing must stop now because my neck is starting to hurt.

Peace!

Bacterium

My doctor found some inflammation in my stomach. 

Which he says could be some bacteria that causes ulcers ..?

A friend of mine said ... "No more drinking for you!"

Does this mean I cannot drink anymore? 

Am I really a "drinker".

I cleaned my closet this evening. 

Tried on some jeans that I used to wear in HS.

This has motivated me to start working out.

I am 122lbs but I would like to go down to 110 ... or 115. 

I have super cellulite on my thighs and butt. 

I am too skinny to have cottage cheese legs!

So my "jump off" guy ... was talking to me today.

If I am going to be his "jump off" then why does he talk to me all the time.

I thought "cut buddies" were just sex partners and that's it!?!

I didn't know we could actually have this so called friendship where we text each other every night to see how each other is doing. 

I am so confused. 

I have my platonic relationship that is moving into some other kind of relationship.

Only if he wasn't a sloppy kisser ... then I'd feel much better about making it into something else. 

Is that me being shallow? Or is it that I have needs and they aren't being met because he eats my face ... 

I always find the wrong kind of guys .. I swear

My other friend ... my twin we will call him ... he got pissed of the other day because I told him that my other guy ... we shall call him the 30 yr old ... asked me to be his jump off.

He said ... "How come you let these losers talk nasty to you ... and me a good guy .. when I talk like that to you .. you get mad" ...

I beg your pardon!?

Let me give you the run down on my guys ::

30 yr old - a good friend of the family .. wants me to be his cut buddy .. but doesn't want to disrespect my father ... 

Jamaican lover - my best best friend for like 6 yrs

Twin - Loser I met in college that gets mad that I do not allow him to sex me lol

Ghetto Twin - This idiot who said he was better than me but yet shares a room with his twin 22 year old brother ... in their twin beds .. haha 

Random - my random guy that I met on the streets at a local University ... clearly thought he went to school there .. turns out he doesn't .. and is just another loser with no education!

So ... this is what I am dealing with. 

It never fails ... this is my life .... 

I am going out Saturday with my friend .. hopefully I can find someone that is more my type.

If not ... I am so giving up ... or maybe I will find myself a  girlfriend.

Some random girl on myspace ... YES MYSPACE! sent me a message saying that I am beautiful.

Meow! 

I was thinking about cutting my hair. 

I am tired of it being long.

I want something different. 

I don't know what to do anymore with my pathetic ass life. 

Depressing I know ....

Maybe I am a Manic Depressive ..... eh?

History

I don't even know what to feel .. or how to feel. 

It's so overwhelming and I think I am still in shock.

It wont totally hit me until he is actually in office .. sworn in as President. 

I don't even know what to say about this topic anymore. 

I will not ruin it though by talking about my nonsense lol.

I am having something done today .. to check my stomach.

I swear I don't trust these doctors.

They just want my money. 

I think I have gallstones ... at 23 ... le sigh!

But .. I learned that you cannot put age on an illness, sickness, disease, etc ...

"I forgot to call you on your birthday" .....